I'm amazed. As I look back over 2006, I have to go with the Dickens-esque thing: it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
I literally wondered if I would survive this year. Literally. I still remember how I felt like I couldn't breathe because things felt so bound up around me. I remember how I would go to bed at night dreading the next day in a way that made me not want to wake up. Ever. I remember standing in my kitchen one day at lunch thinking "I can't take it any more" and wondering how cold the metal of the knife I was holding would be if I ran it across my wrists. I remember my two year old walking into the kitchen and saying, "Mommy, my yub you!" at that same moment - which let me know I *can* take it and this is why.
Now I seem to, hopefully, be on the other side of this dark chasm and I hope I never, ever go back there again. I fully expect to deal with dark days in my life. And sometimes, I expect those days to stretch into weeks - but when they stretch into months, and for me this past battle has gone on for over a year - it becomes wearisome.
But oh, how good it is to finally feel sunshine on my face, to look at my sweet children and hear their laughter, to be told sweet secrets, and to get precious kisses and tight hugs, to share this with a man I have loved for over half of my life...I know that all-in-all, I am truly, completely, amazingly blessed beyond anything I ever deserved.
4 comments:
SOOO glad to hear that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and that you found it!
We are both blessed & I thank you for reminding me of that today (after a horrible shopping trip out with my kids!)
((HUGS)) & have a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!
Gina-when I had Jack, he was born sick, that was the beginning of the dark days for me. What I didn't know then, the whole postpartum depression, and mine didn't rear it's ugly head until he was close to two. Oh to know then what I know now, I think the dark days might have been a bit lighter. But Harry and I were talking the other night about that time, I took one of those mental stress tests, one of the questions was, "Do you ever want to kill yourself" I said, "No" immediately. The counselor accused me of lying. He said, "There's no way you've never felt that way considering all your other answers. Why have you never had these feelings?" My response, "If I die, who will take care of my family." That is what got me through the dark days. Jack is now 16. I can't believe it. Harrison is 11. Where have the years gone?
well, blogger ate my comment!! arghh!
I can't remember all I said, so I'll just stick with what I said at the end: the sloppy wet kisses and hugs are the best therapy in the world when you don't think you can take it any more, and here's to a better, happier you in 2007!!
It's great that you could fight off the depression. That you are feeling the sunshine again. Lots of hugs to you
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