This is part four of six posts on our Infertility Journey. To read all six posts, click here. Posts are in reverse chronological order, so you'll want to start reading at the bottom of that page. :)
In this entry, I talked about something "growing" inside me while a friend of mine was pregnant - and I didn't realize it. As I look back, it started long before she told me she was pregnant again. But really, that's neither here nor there. This is the time I realized it was there...
A few months after my surgery, I thought things were going well. I was a few months post-op, Brad was still working for the insurance company and I was working part-time for my brother-in-law. Things were going really well. One day I was going about my daily routine, getting ready for work (I was actually in the middle of washing my hair) when I was suddenly struck with the conviction of a significant sin in my life. Once again, two of my closest friends were pregnant and I realized I had been questioning and even accusing God of forgetting about me. I wasn't even aware that I harbored these thoughts - but they were there, deep in my heart. The questions like "What about me? Why haven't I had a baby and they've each had two now? Where is mine? Have You forgotten about me?" (see a theme in those questions? Me, me, me.). I literally fell to my knees in tears - grieved that I had once again fallen into the trap of making pregnancy an idol of my heart and even more troublesome to me, that I had grieved the heart of God by questioning His very character. What I found even more disturbing was the fact that if you'd come to me and said, "Can God forget you/me/anything" I would have very proudly answered you with all the "right" things. Oh no! God is incapable of forgetting anything. In the book of Jeremiah He tells us that He forgives our iniquity and our sin He will remember no more - meaning God makes a CHOICE to not remember. It isn't that He "forgives and forgets" - an all-knowing God CAN'T "forget". So no - God cannot "forget" you. Mmmm, really proud there, Gina. You know God cannot forget, yet this is the VERY thing you're accusing Him of doing?! Oh, when will I GET IT?! I confessed that sin and asked God to continue to reveal to me when I was making pregnancy an idol of my heart so that I could continue to turn each cursed idol out that dared to rival Him.
Things went pretty well for the rest of that year. But I still wasn't getting pregnant. Dr. Moutos said we'd give it a year and that if I still wasn't pregnant by February 2002 then we'd talk about further options. I felt certain that wouldn't be necessary. I was secretly thrilled during the month of May, though, that we did a big church thing on Mother's Day that took the focus off the fact that it was Mother's Day. Several former pastors returned to the church and that afternoon we had a big picnic out on the church's property where they officially broke ground on our new facility. Phew, Mother's Day wasn't the "big focus" at church that year. (that's a whole 'nother blog post - I actually used to make Brad take me out of town so I wouldn't have to be at church on Mother's Day)
In November 2001, Brad called me at the office and dropped a bomb on me. He was leaving his job with the insurance company in one week. I was working part-time. He was carrying our insurance, he was making our house payment and my car payment (he had a car with his job and his truck was paid off), he was buying our groceries, we were trying to have a baby...I was sick. But, on the other hand, because of his relationship with his manager, I was glad. It had been a rough year or so. I went to my brother-in-law and asked, "Can I go to work for you full-time starting next week - oh, and I need my insurance to start at the first of the month, too." Thankfully, they were able to make all that happen. I told Brad that we'd just stop trying to get pregnant. We can't have a baby with him not working. I remember saying, "God didn't call me to be [the name of a particular friend who had gotten pregnant while her husband was out of work]" He was insistent that we not stop trying. He'd find work, "don't worry," he said. And amazingly - and this was solely the work of God in my life - I didn't worry.
I honestly don't remember much about the time from November 2001 to February 2002. I wasn't getting pregnant and Brad wasn't getting a job - but then the holidays aren't exactly the time to find work. One morning in February, though, our phone rang and suddenly, Brad had a job. It was part-time - but at least it was something! I do remember in January 2002 I talked to the nurse at my RE's office and she said, "It's time to start thinking about getting a little more aggressive. If you're not pregnant in February, we need to start IUI."
Not what I wanted to hear. Not at all. So, while I researched IUI and got more and more despondent about the prospect of us ever being pregnant (success rates for IUI range from 5 to 40% - usually in the mid-20% range), I also started researching adoption and the costs of adoption, both domestic and international. I quickly realized that would never be an option for us. I knew I was going to have to trust God in this. I had no other choice - well, I did, but it was one that would drive me crazy. And, of course, I didn't get pregnant in February. Time to call the clinic and make arrangements for March...
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