As I recounted the counsel I'd received from Todd with my sweet friend, Jo, she shared a passage of Scripture with me that she found comforting during a different stage of her life. It was Habakkuk 3:17-19. Many are familiar with v 19, like I was, but are not familiar with vv 17-18 - which are the verses that really make 19 stand out. Here are the verses from NASB, which is the version I've memorized:
Though the fig tree should not blossomEverything in verse 17 is empty, fruitless, barren. Everything in v17 was me. And in v18, Habakkuk exerts his will. He makes a choice. Despite everything that is true in v17, he chooses to exult in the Lord, to rejoice in the God of his salvation. And then, he finds v19 to be true - that God is his strength, makes him able to agilely traverse the "rocky terrain" of his trials. Just like everything in v17 was me, I needed to make the same choice as Habakkuk - to exult and rejoice in the Lord - to keep my focus on Him -- and He would be faithful to give me the strength I needed for the trial I was facing.
And there be no fruit on the vines,
Though the yield of the olive should fail
And the fields produce no food,
Though the flock should be cut off from the fold
And there be no cattle in the stalls,
Yet I will exult in the LORD,
I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.
The Lord GOD is my strength,
And He has made my feet like hinds' feet,
And makes me walk on my high places.
For the choir director, on my stringed instruments.
It was one of those "light bulb moments" for me - life changing in a matters-of-the-heart kind of way. But, with that said, it didn't totally wipe away my struggle. I am still a sinner - saved by grace, yes, but still a sinner.
Things were okay for the next year and a half. I would still struggle but not as visibly to others as it had been in the past. Then I was late. As in "Honey, I'm late." Pregnancy test after pregnancy test kept coming up negative. A week later, we knew I wasn't pregnant but due to some other things going on and some blood test results, my reproductive endocrinologist felt pretty certain I'd had a chemical pregnancy. He decided to put me on 250mg of Clomid that cycle. I don't know if any of you have ever been hyped up on that much hormone, but I'm here to tell you - 250mg of Clomid is the mole in the armpit of "hormone hell." The side effects were through the roof - vision disturbances, headaches, hot flashes, and oh...the mood swings! To top it off, a friend emailed me a picture...an ultrasound announcing another pregnancy (she already had one baby that I didn't think she needed - yeah, I'd put myself in God's place and was ruling the universe). Oh. Great. The next day I went to an ice skating show with some friends one of whom grabbed me and said, "Do you think 8 weeks is too early to tell your friends that you're pregnant?" My first thought was "It is if you're telling me and I've just been told I was most likely pregnant a week ago" -- see...still a sinner. :) My second thought was "I have to spend all afternoon with her now?" (see???) And I have to tell ya, I'm not sure I was ever really happy for her. That day started the seed of something that grew in me and was ugly - I just didn't realize it yet.
So, here I am in the midst of the big hormone hype-up, I'm in choir still, I'm still trying to keep it together. I'm still praying like crazy that God would either take away the desire for children or give me one so I'd shut up already. ;) The day after the ice skating thing was a Sunday. The choir sang the hymn "It Is Well" in a wonderful arrangement (I wish I could tell you who it is by, but I don't remember). We'd hammered on this thing in rehearsal for months because it wasn't exactly an easy arrangement, especially since verse three required us going a capella (that's without accompaniment for the uninitiated). When the choir got to this verse, I fell apart. And I mean "fell apart" in that crying-so-hard-I can't-stand-up kind of way. My friend, Jo (the one mentioned above) literally had to hold me up. Ugh! I was so ready to be done with this! I'm in the choir loft, for Pete's sake, can I please not do this now? And not do it in front of the entire church?! I was close enough to a few people to ask them if they saw me lose it. They said they didn't, no one called or sent me a note (thankfully) so I'll assume no one saw it.
Well, 250mg of Clomid for eight days plus 10 days of dexamethasone (a steroid) didn't work. Pretty sad when you're hyped up on that much hormone and it doesn't work. It's also pretty disheartening. It was at this point that our RE recommended injectibles or surgery. Whoa...we suddenly have a lot to think about and pray about. And I'll talk about it later.
1 comment:
Gina - I don't know if you know the story of "It is Well", but it was written by a man named Horatio Spafford and was written as he was travelling to his wife who had left a shortly before with his 4 daughters on a ship to Europe. Last minute business prevented him from going with them. The ship was involved in a collision and sank quickly - and only his wife survived. I think of that man and his faith in God as he travelled along the route where his 4 daughters drowned. VERY sad.
Oh and I did 250mg. clomid for 3 cycles. I don't remember it well, thank goodness. But then again, I never responded harshly to any of the clomid, I guess because of such a lack of my own hormones anyway. Bob always says I'm the most low estrogen woman he's ever met. LOL
Ann (from Jan02)
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