My Egg-Citing Life: Our Infertility Journey

This is part one of six posts on our Infertility Journey. To read all six posts, click here. Posts are in reverse chronological order, so you'll want to start reading at the bottom of that page. :)

I know that many of you who read the blog - and well, anyone who reads my profile blurb over there in the sidebar - are aware that Brad and I dealt with infertility for long time before we were blessed with children. Throughout those years, I often asked God what I was supposed to be learning through the trial. I can't tell you that I ever got a specific answer or gained a particular insight - because I learned multiple things about the Lord and about myself during that time. Once we conceived Elizabeth, my prayer as my pregnancy continued and I became a mother, was that God would allow me to remember my trial of infertility. I prayed that I would remember my pain, my struggles and the areas where I was tempted most to sin. I prayed that I would remember the things that comforted me and the things that drew me back to God when I failed - so that I would be able to comfort others with the comfort which I was comforted (2 Cor 1:4). Recently, I've had the opportunity to encourage several believers who are struggling with infertility. God has been faithful to answer my prayer and has given me the opportunity to pray for these ladies as so many prayed for me.

So. What were the things that comforted me as I struggled with IF? The vast majority of it came to me via counseling with one of our pastors in June 1999. There were, at one point that year, 35 pregnant women in our church. Yes, you read that correctly, thirty-five. And I know because I counted. I hated going to church - oh, I hated it. All those pregnant women complaining about being pregnant...I'd have traded places with them in a heartbeat. I began to completely withdraw - dropping out of everything I could. Brad was meeting with our Worship Pastor once a week during that time. Todd called him one day and said, "When you come to our meeting on Thursday, bring Gina with you." I had no idea why he wanted me there, but I went. I don't remember a lot about what was said that day, but I do remember these few things...

Todd started talking to me about how he noticed I was withdrawing - and in a way that was totally unlike me. I remember him asking "Are you unhappy with the church?" (several of our close friends had recently left the church) And then it was like a light bulb went on in his head. I could see it dawn on him as I watched his face. "It's the baby thing, isn't it?" (and he didn't say "baby thing" in a way that was insulting). I remember looking down at the fringe on a rug on his floor and I had two thoughts almost simultaneously: (1) I wonder if I can crawl under this rug and (2) I'm so glad I don't have to pretend any more. Finally someone called me on this. That second thought? Totally the grace of God preparing my heart for what was to come. I looked up at Todd and said, "Yes, it's the baby thing. I absolutely cannot stand being around all these pregnant women. I hate it!" He and his wife were literally days away from the birth of their 3rd child and he said, "My wife is one of those pregnant women. Is she included in that?" I wasn't going to lie and I simply answered, "Yes." I could tell it stung him for me to say that; but rather than be offended, he opened God's Word and gave me precious counsel. You'll look at this and say, "That's all you got out of that session?" And I'd have to tell you - these are the two things that have stuck with me, 10 years later. These were the things I clung to, the things I reminded myself over and over and over - because these were the areas where I really struggled.

First we talked about how the book of James teaches that every good and every perfect gift comes from God (James 1:17). I remember Todd saying, "If you aren't pregnant right now, then it's not good for you." Before that day, I hated hearing that. I was tired of being infertile being "good" for me. I was tired of hearing "God's timing is perfect!" from people who had kids. I was done! But that day, it made sense. Stop fighting God and start learning what I needed to learn - and most importantly, to seek His glory in this.

We also talked about how I was struggling to trust in God's timing for Brad and me regarding children. For this, Todd turned to Hebrews 11:6 where we're told that without faith it is impossible to please God. I truly desired to please God through this - whether we ever had children or not. But at that moment in time, a positive pregnancy test was the idol of my heart and I needed to put that off and put on faith.

We spent quite a bit more time that day with Todd encouraging me to trust in God's timing, to build my faith muscles and to get myself re-engaged because withdrawing was prideful. I remember him asking, "Why are you not in our Sunday School class?" Because I was teaching 3-year-olds...and there's no such thing as a pregnant 3-year-old. It's easier to be in there. {bzzzzzzzzzzzzz!} Wrong answer! My husband told me that he would prefer I be in Sunday School with him. Todd said, "Call Jeff and resign. Avoiding pregnant women is not a good reason to teach three-year-olds and besides, your husband wants you in class with him." Can I give him a few weeks notice? Brad said that was fine with him. So, I turned in my "two-week notice" for teaching that children's class and in the process had to tell Jeff, "I'm teaching these children to avoid the pregnant women - and that's not right. {eeek! That was hard to do!!! But I knew it was the right thing to do} Plus, Brad wants me in Sunday School with him again." I re-engaged in choir - right when we were preparing to sing "Do Not I Love Thee, O My Lord" words by Philip Doddridge and music by Craig Curry. A perfect anthem for my heart during these days. I could barely get through it - and even now - "turn each cursed idol out that dares to rival Thee...".

Do not I love Thee, O my Lord?
Behold my heart and see;
And turn each cursèd idol out,
That dares to rival Thee.

Do not I love Thee, O my Lord?
Then let me nothing love;
Dead be my heart to every joy,
When Jesus cannot move.

Within the darkness of this heart,
Other gods would vie for my affections.
But Thou art exalted far above all gods.
Let nothing keep me from Thy love.