Last night I picked up my journal thinking I hadn't written in it since I was pregnant with Annie. Wrong, crack smoker. I hadn't written in it since Katherine was EIGHT WEEKS OLD. Two years I haven't even picked up a pen to record a thing in it. Horrid. Shocking. Embarrassing.
I cried. I didn't record a thing about my pregnancy with Annie and I wish I had. It was difficult. We thought something was wrong with her heart for seven long weeks (well, six weeks and five days). I was exhausted. I was sick. I wanted to die. I ended up on Zoloft and came close to needing in-patient psych care. Perhaps writing about it would've been helpful. But, perhaps not. Perhaps in writing about it, I could've seen some of the positive things. Perhaps not. Perhaps I would remember when I felt Annie move for the first time. I still vividly remember the first time I felt Elizabeth move and the first time I felt Katherine move. But not poor Annie. Okay, I just checked my old EC posts - I felt her move for the first time on June 23, 2005 at about 11:00p.m. and I was laying in bed watching the basketball game (must've been an NBA game - either playoff or championship). Glad that stuff is still searchable. Maybe I could've written about how cute Elizabeth was when she would go to my OB visits with me. She would hide behind the curtain until she'd flirted with Paul sufficiently and then she'd come out of hiding. She would help him measure me and then he would try to get her to hold the doppler or help him find Annie's heartbeat. She never would. Maybe I could've written about how I literally felt my blood pressure drop when Dr. Best said her heart was "beautiful." I do still very vividly remember that.
I've been in a very unhappy spot in life for the past year and a half. I'm hoping I can push through it so some day I can look back and say I'm stronger because of it. I know they say "that which does not kill us makes us stronger." Honestly, I think I'm strong enough, really I do.
3 comments:
To say that I was less than thrilled at a positive result on my last pregnancy test would be putting it mildly. I cried for about 2 weeks, Gina. After the shock had worn off, I was still not happy about it and it took many months before I could say that I was looking forward to having another child. Am I a bit dismayed at that reaction? oh yes. I was thrilled to be pregnant with all of the other kids, but I can't say that about my pregnancy with Sarah. It was a difficult, uncomfortable pregnancy and one I don't care to repeat again. I have a detailed journal about every doctor's visit and event of my pregnancy with Brenna; I have just about nothing for Sarah about those months except for the emails I sent to family with all of the troubles I was having. That makes me sad because I don't ever want her to think that she wasn't wanted. A big huge surprise, yes- but not unwanted.
I've struggled with severe and ongoing mild depression. It's not easy, but the biggest hurdle for me was always just acknowledging that there was a problem that needed to be taken care of. You will get through it, and you will be stronger for it. Hang in there!
Big, big hugs Gina!!!! Don't know what else to say except love ya tons! :)
love your honesty and willingness to put it all out there. you are so like me in that. and I haven't journaled in so long. my blog is the closest I come to it now.
love and hugs baby
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